The Fabulous Destiny of Uchiha Sasuke
by ahurhurhur
Summary: A parody of the fan literature of the series Naruto. Comedy and Humor.
1. Chapter One: Beginning

Dear Readers,

I give you a general warning before you read this fic, that way, you wont flame me about anything. I'm writing this fic out of utter boredom, creativity shock, and disapproval with the usual Naruto fan fiction on this website. Where did the fun go? I'm tired of reading fics of Sasuke banging Naruto, Sakura getting bitten by a vamp Itachi (although I do ship ItaSaku), high school vacation stories, and the idiotic typos because the author didn't bother using spell-check. So in a way to keep myself sane, I'm writing a fic that I can truly appreciate and satifisy myself with: Pure Crack.

Fortunately, "The Melancholy of Uchiha Sasuke" has nothing to do with Haruhi. It will upset you if you like yaoi, and if you hate yaoi as well. I assure you, I am corrupting most of your favorite characters, so if you actually do read, your view could change of them. Maybe. And Sasuke fans would want to stay clear of this; that is if you can't take a little abuse of him. I would say I don't dislike Sasuke, but I'd be lying (the same with Ino as well). This is just my way of having Itachi beat him with a belt, or worse for being an ass. But don't stutter; he just might be the only sane character in this entire ficlet.

This is my first time releasing a "public" fan fiction, so all I ask is to be polite if you review. Although this foreword might sound bitchy, I assure you that I'm actually a great and kind person in general. I just don't want to get flamed by a bunch of prissy, pre-teen yaoi fan girls and I've seen newcomers get butchered by them as well.

Thanks,

Maora – chan

Disclaimer – I don't own Naruto, if I did, I'd be hanging out at the Playboy Mansion with Hugh Hefner and Snoop Dogg.

* * *

'Damn that woman.'

It was a thought Uchiha Sasuke had in his head daily. No, not daily; every hour. This woman was the cause of his problems, and because of her he dreaded living. For most people, coming home from work was heavenly; a time to relax and enjoy. Yet, for Sasuke, it was the complete opposite. Going to work was a relief, but coming home reminded him of his daily problems.

The once, rich and famous Uchiha Sasuke was broke. Well, broke wasn't the right term. He was living on the edge of lower middle class and living in poverty. After beating his infamous older brother, he returned to Konohagakure a dead man. To the town and Hokage, he had deserted their village, and went against regulations by joining Orochimaru. Sasuke had betrayed a village, and he would pay the ultimate price, in the worst way possible.

Climbing up the sets of his apartment, Sasuke counted his seconds left of his freedom. From his appearance, Sasuke might have been seen as another L, except, lacking L's appeal. L was highly intelligent; Sasuke lacked in it. Not in ninja skills, not in academics, but in common sense.

He hesitated to open door as he arrived on his doormat. Yet, the door was opened for him. He never had to open it.

"SASUKE-KUUN!!!"

The worst form of a human being came forth in front of him, in all her shiny disglory. Her hair was disturbed: blonde hair horrible tangled with extensions. Her face looked old, and although she had a nice figure, it was covered in dirt, scabs, and cat hair. Multiple stains were apparent on her the shirt she was wearing; and it was obviously too small as bust pushed out of it. It seemed the woman needed a bra, or at least wrappings, as two tips poked out of the shirt. It should also be noted that her legs seemed unshaved in weeks. Long, fake lashed eyes started in delight at the sight of Sasuke, his stared back in despair.

"Ino, I need to go to bed, please." He spoke with utter dryness.

"That ain't the point. Where that fried chicken I asked for?" As her mouth opened, her top layer of teeth plastered with fake gold. The bottom looked un-brushed for decades.

Walking sheepishly into a place he refused to call home, Ino walked behind. The place was a disaster, as if the ancient Hiroshima bomb blew up in their apartment twenty times. Food was splattered all over the kitchen floor, the living room was full of cat hair and make up stains, and mice ran up and down from the bathroom. He had never showered in the house, only at his job. Sasuke was not sure if living with Orochimaru was worse.

Searching for the bed as dim lights waved his eyesight, Sasuke retired to the only comfort he had. Yet, the former blonde kunoichi refused to let him sleep just yet. She had lit a cigarette, leaving the unpleasant aroma in the air. She still held it in right hand as she tried to cuddle to her unwilling partner.

"Ne, Sasuke. Well, you see…my nails look kinda rusty as you can see here. Plus, I haven't gone to a spa in weeks and I was if---"

"Ino…I have no money."

The blonde laughed in disbelief. She always had; for some reason, in that little brain of hers, she believed Sasuke always had money. In fact, whenever she maxed out her cards, or whenever she was in debt relief, he always had the money to pay it off. Well, according to her thought process. What she didn't know was that she was off, by ½. Sure, he did pay it off, but he was forced to pay it off.

Shifting to his backside to play with her hair, she quickly came back from her laugh.

"Hehe, you funny. But time to get real, I know we got that money. Now give me some."

Sasuke grunted in annoyance, this woman was delusional. He wondered as to why he married her in the first place.

"Ino, I'm not kidding. We are broke, and I am broke. I have no money."

She inhaled quickly into her cigarette, and let the smoke rise out of her mouth. Taping some of the burnt part into Sasuke's hair, Ino sighed in murderous delight.

"Sasuke, I want that money. And yous gonna get that money to me by tomorrow. Is that clear?"

He was sure it was midnight, and the Uchiha was in no mood to take his wife's antics. He could only muffle a simple "Whatever" and retreat back to the covers. As soon as he was aware Ino had left, he closed his eyes and tried to drift to sleep.

* * *

"suke…asuke…Sasuke…" 

Was something calling out to him? He couldn't tell. He felt like his something…no, someone was calling out to him. Yet it the voice was so far away. A soft, angelic, voice. He was sure that whoever it was, she was near.

He needed to open his eyes; he needed to know whose voice was enchanting him. It was difficult at first, as he felt his eyelids were being weighed down on him. Yet, with a little bit of push, he finally opened them.

His eyes gleamed as he saw his first glance of pure beauty. The woman standing in front of him was a goddess; long silky pink hair, a figure to die for, and her ass…

Her back faced him, but she was just in reach. He could grab her and see her face. She was his gateway to heaven. Yes, he just needed her so badly.

But as he grabbed her delicate and smooth frame, it turned rough and hairy. The girl's long and silky hair became dirty, blonde, and badly placed extensions fell in and out. And as she turned around, she was no longer the girl Sasuke had anticipated to be; instead a beauty, out came the beast.

"Mmm, I need you Sasuke"

* * *

"FUCK!!" 

The Uchiha had awoken from his nightmare. Sweat trickled all over his body and his breathing felt heavy. He hadn't had much of a scare since he was fourteen. Many years ago, he wouldn't have let such a woman get to him, but that was years ago. Things changed, horribly.

His bedroom crushed with a screech as the woman in his dreams appeared, ugly as ever.

"Hell Sasuke, you awake? Now you can give me that money!"

It was going to be a long day, a long day indeed.

* * *

AN: So that was Chapter UN. I think I should have added more to it, since it kind of seemed a bit short and fast going, but I think I'm happy with it regardless. I assure you Ino and Sasuke are not the only main characters in the story. In fact, Neji and Tenten will be coming shortly. Until next time 8Db 


	2. Chapter Two: Fireflies

Chapter Two : Fireflies

The streets of Konohagakure were busy as usual: magazine vendors plastered in every corner, advertisements of the latest food and beauty products, and civilians conversing at cafes. One would think Konoha had never been so lively. Even with people fanning themselves, the village boomed in 100-degree weather.

And the younger Uchiha took in his surroundings. It was the only time he could actually say he enjoyed life, on his journey to work. The blue sky gave him comfort his hideous wife could not. It brought him relief, security, and maybe even a reason to keep on living. 'Yeah, maybe today could be better,' and a small smile crept up to his face.

Liquid droplets started to fall as the wind blew. Probably a higher power was giving him relief from the Sun, but even the thought didn't matter to him. It cooled him down regardless.

Yet after awhile of standing in the same spot, reality dawned on him. 'Rain isn't…yellow…or hot either.' Instead of cooling rain, hot urine was being shot at him. He didn't need to look up; giggling children could be heard, and they weren't laughing with him either.

Although Konohagakure was in high spirits, whenever Uchiha Sasuke was visible, it would take every chance it got to harass him. No gimmicks. Even though it was virtually law, Sasuke could do nothing but take it. Besides, it was him who defected and even bothered to come back…

_"Did I…do it?" he almost asked idiotically. _

_The fight lasted about six hours; yet there he was, Sharingan off and black eyes swimming in blood. After striving for six years, with blood and tears, he actually…killed him?_

_He couldn't sense any chakra, but he had to check the pulse, just to make sure. Yeah, that was a good idea._

_Nothing._

_Sasuke even waited an extra hour, just waiting for something to happen, but no demon older brother jumped up and pulled any tricks. He was dead._

_Eyes sparkled with liveliness and joy with a bit of water works too. Yes, finally… he had done the impossible. HE REALLY DID IT!!_

_The younger Uchiha jumped and rocked for happiness. He had done it…after years of hard work and ignoring loved ones, he finished his goal. Now he could finally find happiness and joy in his life, maybe even get Sakura to marry him and have some paper fan babies. With this new goal, he left the dying body and headed straight for Konohagakure._

_Hours had passed, and the older Uchiha stood still on the ground. But as minutes passed, he brought purple painted fingers to his eyes and cured himself, then opening his eyes back again. He was sure his naïve sibling could not sense his chakra from this far. Steadily getting on his feet with grace, he found his trademark hat and placed it back on his head._

_Itachi look straight at the blood tainted sky and sighed._

_"What a pussy…"_

_The damned kid didn't even hurt him._

_Eyes dimming, he set out again for the comfort of the forest._

"…ke…asuke…SASUKE!!"

Good lord, that meant he was painfully close to arrival at work. As part of his unconditional surrender and amnesty, Sasuke was forbidden from any high quality jobs and high posts. So instead, he lived on low income, catching fish in the river: no rods, just bare hands.

"Um, hey…Kabuto," he said rather glumly.

"Ohh _Sasgay_, wait do will I ever do with you?" Kabuto giggled eerily before ever speaking, adding a creepy edge to his sentences, much to Sasuke's dismay, but not at all surprising. After all, Kabuto pretty muich lived with Orochimaru for who knows how long.

It wasn't a mystery why Kabuto resided in Konoha. After Sasuke and Naruto finished Orochimaru off, Kabuto really had nothing else to live for. The boy went from town to town, depressed and experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex. By the time he reached Konoha, Kabuto was a wreck: a walking STD with even worse face damage from too many drugs.

"Kabuto, I think we should just get to work."

Kabuto had slipped an arm around his co-worker.

"Hehe, me too."

"Kabuto, I don't swing that way."

"Hee hee, yeah you are silly."

"No really, I'm not."

"Yeah you are."

"No, Kabuto. I'm not gay."

"Yeah you are."

"No I'm not!"

Tone changing he replied,

"So how's the sex?"

Sasuke chocked on air.

"Excuse me?"

"How's the sex?"

"We don't have sex Kabuto."

"See! I knew you were gay! We have a chance!"

Sasuke just grumbled and got on with his work, but it didn't take awhile for a special someone to notice her cue.

"Sasuke can't be gay, because when he divorces that piece of barn shit, he'll be mind. Right Sasuke?"

She grabbed his cheeks in an affectionate greeting, but the boy could only grunt.

"Karin, just go away."

"Sasuke-kun, I'm not sure I heard you right," she still kept her face lit up.

"He said go away woman."

"SHUT UP BOY! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?!"

"YOU WOMAN, SASGAY-KUN IS MINE!"

"WHAT?!"

Sasuke brought his back into the water, half of his face only peeping out. Shortly after Kabuto arrived, it seemed Karin still kept tabs on Sasuke. He probably figured Karin was still obsessed with him. Why, just why, couldn't he have a simple life?

The day was coming to a close. The river had settled, fish swimming at ease. The buzzing noises of the marketplace seemed to have relaxed modestly. Seagulls might have been thought to be the only one lively, gawking at the lake like it was something to eat. 'Closed' signs replaced 'open' signs. And the wonderful sky, once blue and chipper, now edged to retirement and peace once again.

Uchiha Sasuke passed unnoticed in the night. He was almost welcome by it, you could say. Early mornings and late nights were the best times of day for him. He didn't have to deal with harassment from his co-workers, the town, or his wife. And best of all, the fireflies and nature in general accompanied him, so he was never alone.

The protagonist walked through the tickling grasses of the sunflower fields. He always took the long way home, as a way to be less close to home as in pulled his hair out about unnecessary things, and certainly he did not want that so soon. He wanted the bloody sun shining on his face, warming it at the same time. He needed cool air blowing through his own hair, and the fireflies dancing in the night. And he almost got his wish. Almost.

As Sasuke walked, his ninja training told him something could be heard. It sounded almost as if it were…screaming? Sasuke power walked forward until the weird noise could be better heard, and he eventually had found it. He hid behind a bush to get clearer sounds.

"Owwies. Neji, why do you beat me all the time?" A girl panted.

"I BRING THE DEVIL OUT OF YOUR SOUL!"

Sasuke was dead sure what was going on, for whatever reason he did not know. But he was quite aware who these people were, and apparently, there would be a lot of screaming tonight. Sasuke decided to peak out of the bush through the window, just to be prepared in case it was fatal.

"Neji, there is no devil! Why can't you understand that? Eww, eww, OMG BUGS?!" Tenten screamed as she picked invisible bugs off of her skin.

"See! This is what I told you about God's will. God punishes those who refuse Him. The alcohol you drink, the drugs you snort, Satan is in all of them. As God's messenger, I keep people out of harm's way. I only try to help you."

Tenten was relieved of her itching when suddenly Neji grabbed a fist full of hair, the other hand in the sign of prayer. She screamed at the pain, as it seemed her scalp was going to ripe off of her head, but Neji pulled harder in attempt to shush her and lead into his prayer.

"Lord, please have mercy on me and on my wife, as she continues to be sinful in your presence. But as you say, I must exorcise the demons within--"

"NEJI IM NO DEMON! WHY CAN'T YOU--" she would have continued her sentence if Neji hadn't pulled harder.

"…So please Lord, guide my hand and make it STRONG Lord, so maybe this one soul and can learn and come your way…A-"

"WAIT, NEJI, JUST WAIT A MINUTE. YOU CAN'T…" The woman struggled.

"-Men," and with his holy hand out of prayer sequence, he slapped his wife bloody to the ground.

Blood gushed from Tenten's nose as she weakly attempted to get up, but the faux exorcist returned to exorcise the demons out of her, even if it meant sending her to the hospital.

Sasuke decided to leave the bush. As much as he wanted to help Tenten, he did not want to get into a bigger mess than he was. In fact, he thought of Neji as the male equivalent to his wife Ino: crazy and insane. Much had changed when he came back to Konoha. Sasuke had known Neji wasn't even that religious, although he held a Buddhist faith. The Uchiha wasn't even sure what Christianity was until he had met up with him.

Sasuke finally had reached home. Luckily for him, Ino had passed out onto the floor from injecting drugs. Yet, it seemed she had eaten all the food since there was nothing edible in the refrigerator. Unfortunately, he'd have to go to Hokage Tower to receive food rations. Starving, Sasuke retired to dreams of food and Haruno Sakura.

* * *

Author's Corner: FORGIVE ME! I'm so sorry for the chapter being late. I went through the troubles of author's block and school is in session. According to Word XP, the document is almost a month old! I went through big blocks of laziness so I wrote this chapter in little sections through the weeks. I'm not much reliable on promises, but I'll try to have the next chapter in the next week or maybe even tomorrow (LABOUR DAY HURRAY!). Thanks to Sayhello3 for keeping me in check and reminding me about updating. See you next time.

Maora

.


	3. Chapter Three: Food and Dumpsters

He just lay there.

Within eyesight, the only things in view were the dark hairs on his belly. There also existed a spinning fan, and it twirled with the speed of a snail. It was a wonder he could afford electricity at all, but he returned to the view of his depleted stomach. It was all he could look at, really, as it was the constant reminder of the reason for his self-pity: his failure to provide for himself.

He woke up hungry, and went to bed hungry. If there was anything to eat, it was probably yogurt past its expiration date; there were times when he forced to eat such a thing. His lack of a food bank in his refrigerator was mainly due to the need to pay off Ino's ever-piling debt. He paid whomever she owned whenever he could, and the majority of money made went towards that debt. He was a character in an illustration, and while the surrounding environment was bleak, the emaciated and dull look of the man spoke volumes.

But today, he would change his destiny.

Today, he would beg for food stamps.

He never enjoyed the walk up to the tower of the Hokage. Each step was a painful reminder of all the things he wasted, just for the sake of vengeance.

He walked within the main entrance to the lobby. The humidity swamped the area with an air of laziness, rude behavior, and suggestive themes; these attitudes could be found within the secretary of the Hokage, Shizune, the former secretary of Tsunade. Although Shizune to wander wherever Tsuande set her feet, Tsunade's current status drained the youthful Shizune into a weary, sickly, and bitter woman. Her hair brittle and oily, and her face lined with wrinkles as in a sea of sand, her eyes were the colorful aspects of her face. Sasuke walked to her reception desk.

"Ahh, Shizune, you reme-"

"I am Shizune-sama," she replied sternly, cutting him off.

"Ah, yes, Shizune-sama. My apologies. Yes, you remember the application I turned in for foo…" Sasuke could not continue his sentence. Along with his unforgiving hunger, his eyes were captivated in disgust and human curiosity towards Shizune's mouth. Shizune had a habit of licking her lips in the same manner as a dog in heat, but very quickly and almost as if she were a fish, as her tongue swam out only a little. She only did this in the humidity. Her eyes swam back to the protagonist in mindless confusion and apathy. "What?" she could only ask.

"My application, miss."

"Oh, _that_. Ugh, good lord, the fifth one. I don't even…" She found a telephone, spun within her chair, and it, not her, faced Sasuke. As the phone rang, a greasy fly buzzed with the same amount of noise. Finally, a click ended the constant beep.

"Hokage-sama…yes, well, I'm doing whatever, I guess…don't give me that tone Sir, I'm quite older than you…oh well, my call...ah, it's Uchiha…Hokage-sama, I can't bar him from entry…no, no…you know what it's about! Those crazy food stamps! Why didn't you just give your stamp of approval? Hokage-sama, it's the fifth damned application, he just comes here all the time and…oh you, just like that woman!" She ended the trail of words with the slamming of the phone. She returned to Sasuke's gaze with stiffness and annoyance.

"Just go."

Sasuke's stomach could have lit up just as much as the smile on his face. Finally, he could find a decent meal to eat, just with some foo-

"HURRY UP AND GET OUT!"

"Oh, but Shizune-sama, I can just go?"

"FUCKING ASS, JUST GO."

He wished to be polite, but his stomach told him it was insignificant, and he just walked to the room of the Hokage.

The room matched the one of the Hokage's youth: ruly, unorganized, and chaotic. Material items lay scattered across the floor, along with food, eating utensils, manga, and sultry magazines. He sat in a wide chair and looked on to the sunset. As he heard his visitor's foot-steps, he swung the chair around.

"SASUKE, WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED!"

"Ah, Hokage-sama, yes, it is very-"

"God damn it, you don't have to do that formal shit with me. Uzumaki Naruto, and you'll never forget it," Naruto beamed.

"Ah, yes, Naruto."

"Well, don't just stare at me, sit down pal! Take a seat!"

Sasuke tried pulling a chair, but he had trouble due to the flood of materials on the ground.

"Haha, yeah, lotsa stuff on the ground, but Shizune keeps all my papers so I don't lose them. Damn it, Sasuke, did some put a stick up your ass? Sit down! Anyhow, what can I do for you? What did you come down for? It's been a long time!"

"It's only been a week," Sasuke squeaked.

Naruto stared at Sasuke sheepishly, but returned to his previous sentiment.

"What did you come down for, buddy? It's been a long time! Heck, I know, you want something?"

"Well, yes."

"Hehe, yeah, I know you! You want some diapers! I bet Ino's going to kick it into gear and pop you a son!"

The whole phrase of sentences killed Sasuke's hunger only momentarily, but only because of his disgust with Naruto's chain of words. He could only look down and squirm out words.

"I don't really want any right now."

"Awwhh, shucks! You never know, one day, you just might do it!"

Sasuke's thoughts raced back to the time when Ino came home, knocked up from a guy she met around the dumpsters. She was forced to have her sixth abortion in the same dumpster area.

"Anyway, I know what you want buddy. You want to hang out! Well, why didn't you just say so! Or maybe you just want to get a drink! We can do that…Oh baby, I know what you want – you wanna get some action before the baby! I know a stripclub not far from here. Class act, yeah! Or maybe you wan-"

Perhaps the lines of nonsense irritated Sasuke, or perhaps it was just his belly, but one thing Sasuke did not lack some brain cells of common sense. He could only sternly say:

"I came for approval of my application for food stamps."

Sasuke's sentiment was a killjoy; Naruto smile turned to a frown, and his eyebrows arched. His face grew in annoyance, like a swelled pimple.

"You punk, you fucking punk."

"Narut-"

"I'm the fucking Hokage, shut up. You come up here, interrupting me with my business, and you know, I was just being polite, because we go way back. WAY BACK. And you come here asking for some food stamps?" Naruto's arms arched parallel to the table.

"I've sent in my request for the fifth time, Hokage-sama." 

"Boy, do you know why you don't get a response? I deny those requests, every single one! Sasuke, I'm the Hokage, but my power goes only so far. It cost me an arm and a leg to even allow you to stay here! Nobody wanted to live next to a killer! But me, I got you some shelter, you kept your wealth, and you even got some girl to marry you, isn't that enough?"

"But Hokage-sama!"

"Sasuke, let me tell you something: there are tons of people, out on the street, with no food, no nothing – right here in Konoha! There are people in this world, in other countries who've got nothing, and you've got the nerve to…Sasuke? What's wrong?"

The Hokage could not finish with the manner he started with, as he realized he had reduced his childhood friend to tears. Globs of snot ran down his mouth a trail from a snail, and four lines appeared on his forehead. He could barely speak.

"Sasuke…"

"I…just…wanted…some…food stamps…"

"Well, darn Sasuke, I just don't understand why you need them so damn bad?"

"…because I can't live with myself."

"Sasuke, you've got food at…"

"I've been in debt for seven years of my life, and I've starved for ten days. I just drink the water in the lake."

"Sasuke, you don't drink the water in the lake; I piss in it every sunrise."

Within the darkness, Sasuke trailed home with a meal, even if it meant sacrificing his self-worth. It didn't matter though; he had none in the beginning of this tale.

As he walked, he could her a familiar sound in a conversation. As he walked a bit closer, he could make out two women, and one just happened to be his wife.

"Girl, I just don't know what to do anymore. I eat the food to grow some hips. I get my nails done. I put in extensions every Tuesday, and still he don't notice me. Girl, all I want to do is look pretty for my man, that's it. I just wanna be his wife, and do stuff with him, but he be always working and shit man. I just want some loving," Ino wailed.

The woman around her was abhorrent, but not as much as her words; they drunkenly spilled out, pathetically.

"Heehee, there's this boy, and he's at the shopping center everyday at 11. Anyhow, he touch me. He kissed my nipplez. He love me long time."

Even this frustrated Ino. "Girl, I was a prostitute years ago. Never again."

"He be good!" her friend retorted.

Sasuke was now aware of why Shizune had become bitter: Tsunade had joined a long line of Konoha's distressed and disturbed.

I finally updated this. Enjoy.


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